Words From My Younger Self (an 11th grade journal entry on being bi)

In working on this memoir about coming out, I finally dug out my high school journals and found this one entry I only vaguely remembered writing. In my 11th grade journal, I admit for the first time that I think I might be bisexual and then go on to explain why it isn’t okay. It took me a decade to fully come out after writing this entry. A decade of fear, and guilt, and self-loathing. My heart breaks for the girl I was then.

I share this uncomfortably personal journal entry here because, undoubtedly, there are teenagers right now writing similar words. Tell the young people in your life that they don’t have to be afraid. Tell them they are beloved by God exactly as they are. And then tell them again and again because God knows there enough voices in this world telling them otherwise.

[Disclaimer: this reads like it was written by a somewhat homophobic, somewhat uninformed 16 year old… because it was.]

March 24, 2003

Jeezes it’s been a freaking long time since I wrote in here… maybe I should mention something I’ve been contemplating for a long time (years actually), but only just recently admitted to myself (like last week). I might be bisexual.

Now let me first say that this is only a possibility, and even if I find it to be true, that doesn’t mean I’d necessarily act on my feelings. The truth is, I’ve had dreams before that involve females—not many, but some. And although I’m not even close to being transgender (feeling like a guy), sometimes in my dreams I am a guy—and often times I find myself relating more to the male characters in books and/or movies.

Allow me to hypothesize on this topic: I think perhaps I find myself asserting the masculine role for either 2 reasons or either one of them. First of all, there is my reluctance to rely on other people and my need to manipulate and control situations… Also, my unwillingness to accept bisexuality or homosexualitiy as an appropriate mode of sexual orientation may cause me to assign myself as a male in order to escape realizing the homosexuality in the situation. Granted, by assuming a male role I bring up the concept of gender identity—but I’m guessing that’s easier for me to accept simply because it completely escapes the real of possibility.

All I know is, ever since the first time someone actually asked me about my sexual orientation—I’ve questioned it. I know I like guys but sometimes I wonder if I like girls too. I dunno, it’s hard cause even tho homosexuality is becoming more accepted in society—nobody ever really asks about someone’s sexual orientation. And there have been signs… I remember seeing girls and thinking – wow – they’re really attractive. And I don’t know if I was attracted to them, or if I wanted to be like them. And I remember knowing how weird I was cause I wanted to hang out with some of my girl friends so much.

But allow me to make one thing perfectly clear—I do not approve of homosexuality OR bisexuality. I know that sounds awful and hypocritical but I can’t help it. I’ve been raised to think that it’s immoral and I do. I don’t have a problem with gays, bis, and lesbians but I don’t approve of their lifestyle. In my opinion, if girls were meant to be with girls and guys with guys—then they would fit (physically) together the way guys and girls do. I’ve heard all the arguments—people say its not a conscious choice, you can’t help the way you feel—but you can help the way you act. Your actions are a conscious decision, and while emotionally, I may not be straight, as far as my actions are concerned—I am.

But actually, I do need to clarify one thing—I said I’ve got no problem with homosexuals, but I also don’t have a problem with the FACT that they are gay. If it works for them, that’s great—but it doesn’t work for me.

Anyways, this whole bi thing is still tentative. It may be years before I know for sure.

———-

10 long years. Go, tell them they are beloved. Please.

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